My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
