so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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