Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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