I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
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