don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
Randomize
