Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
