the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
So...AT&T finally added picture messaging for iPhone...bring on the tits!!!
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
