i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
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