Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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