She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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