apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Randomize
