He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Randomize
