you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
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