The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
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