Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
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