Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
Can you bring me the toilet please
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Randomize
