you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
