i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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