I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
Randomize
