I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
