I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
All the doctor said was why
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
