Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
