I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
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That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
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We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.