i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
i googled "the goonies drinking game." i may be alone, but i'm living the college dream.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
15 Things That Could NEVER Happen Anywhere But the South
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
15 Times “Flight of the Conchords” Made You Feel Better About Being a Twenty-Something
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night