hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina