i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
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I think I have vodka in my lungs
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
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I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.