Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
Randomize
