Does having sex in the men's bathroom on the boardwalk count as having sex on the beach?
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
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