You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
Randomize
