It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
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