just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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