when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
