So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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