I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
Randomize
