if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
Randomize
