she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
I think im going to throw up on grandma
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
Randomize
