I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Randomize
