You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
She stuck a Big Gulp bend-y straw up his ass to see if he could handle anal.
Ew, and?!
Well he couldn't and the deal was he had to drink something using it afterwards.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
Randomize
