I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
