call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
