Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
my way of studying for our final tomorrow: registering online to retake the class in the fall
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
