We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
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