I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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