A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
