How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
Randomize
