I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Randomize
