Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Randomize
