The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
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