Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Jerry, you need to find god
if only i could text you this smell
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap