Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Randomize
