You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
whose ass print is on the piano?
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
