I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
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