East Village: Only place you can play pac man while eating a pineapple hotdog, go to the bar next door and see a graphic blowjob on every tv
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
