It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Randomize
