The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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