im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
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