I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Randomize
