i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
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