I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize
