Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
