Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
Randomize
