Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
I need a burrito and a hug.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
Randomize
