my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
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