i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
