The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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