So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
