I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
