I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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